Live and Let Drood, by Simon R Green

I thoroughly enjoy the mind candy of the Secret History novels. The plot here is a lot more straightforward than past entries but still fun: the Drood family save Eddie have vanished and the story details the quest to find them and exact revenge on the perpetrators. The reader has to ignore some fairly large holes in the process (Droods have field agents in every major city across the globe but they all happened to be in the same English manor when it vanished?) but considering the abundance of magical devices and pocket dimensions belief is easy to suspend. The pop culture references are relentless, and I love that Green doesn't stop to explain any of them—either you catch them and smile or you miss out. My favorites this outing were the line delivered teasingly, "Sisters, sisters, such devoted sisters..." and the fact that the heroes find themselves driving a 1958 Plymouth Fury with a mind of its own. If you like your fanstasy adventure heavy on the humorous side, you should check this series out.

First Sentence:

You think you know where your life is going.

From Hell With Love, by Simon R. Green

A talking dragon head and the Spawn of Frankenstein are two of the stranger allies the Drood’s find here, and some good advice is, “if you see any kobolds, leave them alone!” From Hell With Love introduces the Drood’s arch-enemies, the Immortals. As Eddie explains it, “the Man from U.N.C.L.E. had to contend with the agents of THRUSH. James Bond had SPECTRE. So it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me, that a family as ancient and powerful as mine might have its very own dark shadow...”

I thought the mystery here was better than in previous volumes of the series, but the shape-shifting subterfuge was a bit overused. The biggest complaint was the ending, which is one of the more blatant cliffhangers I’ve ever seen. “"I’m sorry. There’s no pulse. No heartbeat. He’s not breathing. We’ve lost him." And then—” Considering when I read this the next volume hadn’t hit the shelves yet, this was maddening!

First Sentence:

In the secret agent business, no one is necessarily who or what they say they are.

The Spy Who Haunted Me, by Simon R. Green

Alexander King, the world’s greatest secret agent, is dying. He has amassed an unparalleled collection of secrets that he will bequeath to a worthy successor. This successor will be chosen via a contest, and a contest that Eddie Drood intends to win. The plot was a bit of by-the-numbers, but still engrossing. The references to pop culture tropes are why I love this series, though. The Wizard of Northampton (“Writing comic books for twenty years will do that to you”), Uncle Harvey who “thinks he’s a giant rabbit,” and a small statuette of a black bird all make appearances in The Spy Who Haunted Me. I’m sure I miss a ton of others, but the ones I catch always make me smile.

First Sentence:

In the early hours, when it seems like the dark will go on forever and the dawn will never come, the night people come out to play.

Daemons are Forever, by Simon R. Green

This second book in the Secret History series, and the second parody filled with humor, action, and pop culture. The plot isn’t as interesting as the first book, but it certainly takes on a grander scale centering around an other-worldly invasion. Thanks to a time travel device a new character is brought in to assist, one that will be familiar to Green’s fans: Giles Deathstalker. (I loved the first few books in the Deathstalker cycle but didn’t have the energy to plow through the more recent ones, but linking that universe to this one is just the kind of Wold Newton Family geekiness I love!) While the characters are walking through the museum searching for the time machine, a throw-away line that is typical of the pop culture humor present: “"And we used to have a giant mechanical spider. We confiscated it from some American mad genius, back in the Wild West."” While a disappointing movie, the reference made me laugh out loud. Great entertainment!

First Sentence:

The name’s Bond.

The Man with the Golden Torc, by Simon R. Green

Imagine every story you’ve ever heard about ghosts, aliens, demons, magic, and conspiracy theories is actually true; furthermore, there is a secret society of people that protect those of us that believe this is all fiction and keep us in the dark. Secret agents, elves, and demons may sound like an unwieldy collection but Green blends all facets well and serves up a rollicking novel. Eddie Drood is the protagonist, but he goes by the pseudonym, “Bond. Shaman Bond.” The cover name, as the book’s title, is an obvious nod to James Bond. The similarities don’t stop there either; chase scenes with exotic vehicles, world-threatening plots, unique and strange villains, and of course, the Armourer.

Fantastic plot elements and larger-than-life characters are fun, but the smart writing is what makes this parody stand out. My favorite line occurs when Eddie is working his way through abandoned subway tunnels under London: “I half expected to see Arne Saknussemm’s initials. Or Cave Carson’s.” If you haven’t read Journey to the Center of the Earth or your knowledge of DC comics characters stops at Superman and Batman this statement must be puzzling at best; the fact that no further explanation is given somehow makes me feel a kinship of sorts with the author. And given that the premise is that everything us mundanes believe is fictional isn’t, does that imply Lidenbrock really walked from Iceland to Italy through the crust of the planet? Or that Rip Hunter travels through time? I’m nearly giddy at the possibilities of future adventures in this universe! Part Ian Fleming and part Neil Gaiman, Green has the beginnings of an entertaining series on his hands here. And of course, Shaman Bond will return in Daemons Are Forever.

First Sentence:

It started out as just another everyday mission.

Ruffians, by Tim Green

This book tells of a highly drafted rookie that discovers virtually his entire NFL team is on steroids and is threatened with being blackballed if he doesn’t start shooting himself up as well. The steroid is explained away as being untraceable and therefore random drug testing wouldn’t uncover it, which seems far fetched at best. The steroid-crazy team went on to hurt opposing players badly enough so they had to leave the field multiple times every week. There is no way the NFL would ever stand for this, much less the players on the other side of the ball. Yeah, people get seriously hurt in football, but a defense that was unabashedly and purposefully trying to injure other teams on a regular basis would get suspended so fast your head would spin. I’m sure I’d be surprised at the actual level of violent intent in the pros, but this seemed way over the top.

The plot being as silly as it was, I was surprised to find that the main character, Clay Blackwell, was reasonably deep. I heard somewhere that Tim Green based Clay on himself which might explain that, especially as all the other inhabitants are one-dimensional. Clay is shown to have deep feelings for his college girlfriend yet still unable to resist the temptations of easy sex that comes so easy to a professional athlete. He has a complicated relationship with his father, yet is still able to find father figures in others. While clearly upset and morally offended at the idea of steroids, he doesn’t blow the whistle on his teammates and flip-flops on the thought of taking them himself. While Clay is not anywhere near as complex a character as Prince Hamlet, he is far from the wooden caricature I’d expected from a novel by an ex-jock.

First Sentence:

The concrete was cold and made Clay’s bare feet clammy.

The Dark Side of the Game, by Tim Green

This isn’t a biography, but a collection of essays about the NFL. None are all that in-depth and most are more anecdote than analysis, but all are interesting. We get a peek into topics that range from training camp to injuries, from agents to the media, from playing dirty to retirement. I’d have preferred a deeper dive into a few of the topics but still found this a pretty good read. The biggest detraction was that it is somewhat dated now; it was written in 1996 and the landscape of professional football has obviously changed since then (been a while since the 49ers and Cowboys have been the cream of the NFL). Light reading for sure, but you could have a worse book sitting in your bathroom (especially if you enjoy watching football).

First Sentence:

When I meet people for the first time and they learn that I played for eight years in the NFL, their eyes glaze over with that faraway look of a person dreaming what he’ll do if he wins the lottery.